| A Survival and Forgivenessby Amy Garwich “Jesus Loves Me This I Know For The Bible Tells Me So”
For many of us, this is the first gospel song we learned as a child. Isn’t that the basis of life as a Christian?
I learned this song as a child, but it wasn’t until I was a young adult that I learned that God is the one I could rely on to always love me. You see, I grew up thinking I was unlovable. As a child, I was told by my mother, “I wish I had believed in abortion, because I didn’t want you”. She confirmed that statement by ignoring me. I was the youngest of three girls and always in competition with the middle sister for mom’s approval. I was the “good girl”. I got good grades, was nice to the other kids, kept my curfew, etc. I just wasn’t good enough.
Why didn’t she love me?
I was engaged at 17! What was I thinking? Well, I thought this man loved me. Two years into our marriage we had a daughter. She was, and still is, my pride and joy! I wanted to be the mom to her that I always wanted. I did my best and now, at age 22, she is my best friend.
It wasn’t much later that my husband started changing. His temper grew short and soon I was afraid. He raped me and started physical violence. I left him when my daughter turned one year old. This was not how I wanted my daughter growing up. Unfortunately, he was allowed visitation and molested her when she was 3.
What kind of love is that?
It wasn’t long before a new man appeared in our lives. This man, although short in stature, was confident and successful. He was an Army Officer. I thought that he had to be a good man because our first date included my daughter. Soon, he was telling me that he loved us. “Wow! I’ve got it right!” I thought. It wasn’t long before the name calling began. I was stupid, worthless, crazy, a nobody without him, and unlovable.
Hmmm, there was that word again.
We had a son. I thought that would make him love me. Well, as the kids grew and were old enough for chores, the name calling started on them. In my mind, that was unacceptable and had to stop. So, rather than having him punish them for their mistakes and call them names, I took the blame, gladly. Soon, it was my fault that a piece of thread was missed after the vacuuming chore, and the messy room was my fault too. That was just fine, I’d rather hurt than have my kids scarred by name calling.
I was on antidepressants for 10 years because I thought I was crazy. I’d rather be numb. A deployment caused us to be separated for 6 months. I decided to go off my anti- depressants - just to see…..it wasn’t long before realizing that I didn’t need them. I was happy. It was also during this time that my daughter graduated high school and left for college. She was raped. My husband was sent home for the emergency. Both my daughter and I clearly remember how I was blamed for her rape. I was not even living in the 48 states!!
This was the beginning of the end.
I asked God many, many times over the years, “Why? Why was I with this man? Why can’t I be happy? Why am I unlovable? Why do I have to hurt so much?” During those 10 years on antidepressants, I told myself, “Well….I’m going to die one day anyway. Why should I worry about being happy?”
I learned the song by Sandi Patty, “In the Name of the Lord”. I sang it everyday!
When my husband returned from deployment, and once again, I was stupid, worthless, dumb, etc, I sang it when he went to work. I was not allowed to sing in front of him. He didn’t like my voice and told me not to sing. I wasn’t allowed to attend my own church. “How would that look? An Army officer’s wife not attending church with her husband?” So we didn’t go at all. I had my worship time quietly and through song. I sang as often as I could - by myself.
Now - The Happy Ending
In May 2008, I forgave my, now ex-husband. It has been 3 years since I left him. We divorced in 2006. I told God that I knew He would tell me when it was time to go because I knew He had a plan for me.
I remarried in June 2007. And now, I hope to pursue my singing full time. God is in control. But, He also knows my gifts, my wishes and my dreams.
My Conclusion
Now I understand why God likes to forgive us. Because He likes to be happy. You may wonder what I mean……..think of it like this: When you were a child and did something wrong, you didn’t want your parents to be mad at you. If you asked forgiveness and you received it - you were happy. Your parents were happy that you asked and were happy to forgive. When we ask God for forgiveness, He is happy to give it.
I received 17 years of verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse from that man. It took 3 years apart from him, a lot of prayer (and I mean A LOT), and crying before I was ready. Then, when God knew I was ready, the forgiveness came easily. The burden of my heart and soul was lifted instantly. Forgiveness feels good!! I was happy when I forgave him, just as God is when He forgives us.
Special Thoughts
I have spoken a few times publicly about my past and the abuse I received. I wish I had known what it was I was experiencing and that it was wrong. I wish I had had someone to talk to who understood. I was told, “Tell him to shut up” or “just walk away”. I couldn’t and didn’t dare.
I now know why God had me with these 3 people who abused me in one form or another. God has given me these experiences to help others. We all need to know how our behavior effects others. There have been men who told me that their woman was abusing them. It goes both ways.
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