| Hindsightby David Fielding'''*
Three weeks ago.
“So, how exactly does this work?”
“Basically, we you into the time stream at the opportune moment and from there you will five minutes to accomplish your objective.”
“Meaning that I have to...”
“I believe we’ve been quite clear on that part, Mr. Allmen. It is the way it must be.”
“Why?”
The name stenciled on the frosted glass door of the office is Dr. Jacob Hartnett and the man himself is just over six feet, athletic and balding. He wears stylish wire-frame glasses and a suit that must’ve cost more than the furnishings in the room.
“Failure to accomplish what needs to be done will result in a catastrophic temporal resonance loop resulting in the destruction of the timeline and those timelines adjacent...”
“Hold on, adjacent timelines?”
Hartnett smiled. It wasn’t a nice smile. It was a smile that said I know more than you. It was a smile that let Allmen know that Hartnett didn’t like him.
“It has been a popular notion to think of Time as a road or a river, Mr. Allmen.” The man behind the glass desk intones.
Hartnett took a pen off his desk and began twirling it between his fingers.
“If we are to believe that Time is indeed a road or a river then it must be a very wide one with many eddies and currents or lanes if you prefer… and all of us, all mankind, are traveling down this path simultaneously.
And because we are travelling not alone, but with many others down the course of Time, inevitably, we connect, sometimes calmly and carefully, at other times violently or emotionally and these moments of connection or conflict change us; they shift us into other currents. And thus your timeline is altered. Unless you are highly cognizant or prescient you cannot discern when these moments occur until they have already passed. The direction you might have gone is changed and now you are on another path, yet still moving forward.”
Hartnet looked directly at Allmen.
“While it seems to make sense, this theory of Time as a road or river isn’t correct.”
Allmen frowns. “It isn’t?”
“What do you know of philosophy, Mr. Allmen?” Dr. Hartnett asks.
“Only the stuff I took in college…”
“And quantum mechanics?”
“Uh, not much… that’s protons and electrons and stuff, right?”
“Essentially, yes, it’s the study of the atomic level of reality. Is Time real, Mr. Allmen?”
Allmen considered this. It suddenly felt like he was being asked a very important question, and that his answer could very well be wrong. That in turn started a familiar pattern in his thinking. It had been the same in school, at work and basically any time he’d been asked something he really didn’t have an answer for. His mind turned over thoughts which lead to others and on and on. He sat there, feeling the seconds tick by…. But if seconds were ticking by that meant that time was real. He was aware of it and it was moving. But was it? What if it was just because that’s what he’d been told, what he took as routine because we had clocks and watches and things to tell us what time it was? Who was to say, really, what time it actually was? Maybe the actual time was off by milliseconds or hours… who could really know? And if that were the case…
“Mr. Allmen?”
“Oh, uh, sorry…. I was trying to think of the answer…”
Hartnett smiles – a smirk really, half bemusement, but mostly asshole.
“Time is a constant, Mr. Allmen. We perceive it as a moving thing, because we are moving. Our lives are in constant motion, we see things moving about us and we perceive changes in light; night to day, light to dark and so forth.
We go to sleep and wake up and the numbers on the clock have moved, so obviously we have moved through Time. We have memories of past events; a library of occurrences that accumulate as we grow from youth to old age and we revisit them time and again when we gather with those that shared those events with us, family members, friends and school mates. So it seems natural to think of Time as being in constant motion along with us; that we both keep pace with one another.
Hartnett paused and smiled that ugly smile again.
“But point in fact, the very opposite is the reality. Time is static.”
“So, Time doesn’t move?”
“No, sir, it does not. We pass through Time; the Future that is yet to be exists at the very moment that we are sharing this Present, just as the Past remains long after we experienced it.”
“And the river of Time…”
“There is no river, Mr. Allmen. It is a quaint notion that makes sense to our perceptions. If it makes more sense to you, think of it this way – Time is the landscape on either side of the river of humanity, the vast expanse of experience.”
“So how does Hindsight operate? Don’t you send people back into the past?”
The smile flashes again on Dr. Hartnett’s face.
“Hardly. Time Travel is impossible.”
Allmen’s frown deepens.
“I thought…”
“What we do at Hindsight,” Hartnett broke in, “Is to allow our clients to enter an alternative universe, at an exact pin-point on that universe’s timeline that allows them to bring about a “what if” experience, to change what they experienced in this universe. We offer people a second chance, Mr. Allmen.”
Hartnett leaned back in his chair, contemplating the ceiling as he continued.
“The world line or timeline of this particular 4 dimensional space is the constant, Mr. Allmen. But it is not the only world line. For years, Hindsight’s founder, Dr. Ludovico Nikoliaov strove to prove that not only was travel to these other world lines possible but that for each of us, time is relative. Your time is fundamentally different from my time. We coexist to be sure, in the same time-space, but for each of us, our experience of it differs greatly.”
“That’s absurd.”
The smile reappears.
“Is it?”
“You and I are sitting here having this conversation. It’s happening for both of us, at the same time. How is it different for each of us?”
“What differs is our perception of this moment.” Harnett said. “What you hear as I relate this information to you may in fact be slightly different than what I am actually saying. You’ll process it and take from it what you believe to be the words and tone and meaning of what I’m saying at this time… and you will make that your truth. When you discuss past events with others who shared them, have they ever disagreed with you on the order of those events, or are adamant that what they said was completely different from what you remember? Ever find yourself thinking ‘this can’t be happening to me’?”
“How is that part of the time stream?” Allmen asked. “My differing perception doesn’t discount the actuality of this event – we are having this conversation, we are sitting in this room and each of us will recall it as such.”
“True. But how will you perceive it ten minutes from now? A day? Months or years from now? Further, your feeling about this conversation, this moment in time is quite different from my own. So what is Time, but perception, Mr. Allmen? This leads to this leads to this leads to this… and on and on and on. We don’t think of ever saying, “Hey, you know that conversation we’ll have at lunch? The one where I tell you about the car crash I will see on the way home later…”
Time is, in a sense, a measurement of the past, a fundamental quantity we use to understand our place in this world.”
Hartnett leaned forward, his eyes boring into Allmen’s.
“As I said Mr. Allmen, the world line for this particular 4 dimensional space in the Multiverse is not only a constant, but the constant. We inhabit the Prime time line.”
“Prime time line?”
“That is correct. That is the breakthrough that Dr. Nikoliaov discovered and that lead to the success of Hindsight. There are hundreds of thousands of time lines, all running in parallel, all moving in harmonious conjunction, but only this one remains constant. It is the only one that cannot be altered in anyway, because travel in the time stream for this world line is impossible.”
“I don’t understand….”
“Basically you can move backward along the world line in another universe, but not this one. The physical properties of the LTAC prevent it from accessing events from this world line. We have tried hundred of thousands of algorithms and made countless of attempts, but the LTAC will not open at any point along our world line.”
“The LTAC?” Allmen asked.
“The Literature you were mailed speaks of it, though in the brochures and legal documents it is referred to as the Conduit. Those of us that worked to develop it still refer to it by its original name. But the marketing folks felt the technical deion was a bit much for the layman, so most everyone sticks with the colorful moniker they came up with.”
Hartnett waved a hand.
“It’s not an accurate name of course, but it suffices. The LTAC is capable of placing an individual in a specific temporal location in an alternate universe. I won’t go into the technicalities of the process but what it comes down to is this we will place you at a specific point along another universe’s time line, a moment of your choosing – since the years 2003, hundreds of thousands of alternate time streams have been accessed as a result of Hindsight, each one opened to fulfill a particular individual’s desire to change their life.”
“Isn’t that a little insane, not to mention dangerous?” Allmen said incredulously. “You are altering the natural order, aren’t you? How can this be possible? How can you be sure that things in the world line will remain constant?”
Hartnett made a steeple with his fingers and brought them to his lips, tapped them three times and then looked at Allmen.
“When we send a client through the Conduit, they are placed at a point along the time line that has a very precise window of change. They must act quickly in order to effect the change they want to bring about in their life and they must live with the consequences. There is no return to the prime time line once the change takes place. Thus the integrity of the time line is maintained. The new time line that is created is specific for that person.”
Allmen frowned.
“So, you become trapped in the past…”
“Not exactly; you are free to live your life in a past of your making in another universe. You literally take your destiny in your hands and forge a new path for yourself.”
“What happens to me in this time line?” Allmen asked. “What about those that know me, or remember me? Do I simply ‘disappear’ from this time line…?”
“Not at all. You will continue along this time line just as you would have if you had never walked through these doors, Mr. Allmen. Not you precisely, but an exact duplicate. The procedure creates the duplicate; it is a necessity of the process. Our contracts are very explicit on this point. Your new self will not remember ever having visited us before. We have perfected the non-intrusive procedure and the new you will simply awaken in your residence with no memory of Hindsight.”
“Duplicate – you mean a clone?”
“That is correct, and yet slightly off the mark. A clone is grown from a cellular stage and is then birthed naturally, through a surrogate and advances through its live at a normal pace. Our duplicates will be an exact copy of your in physicality and frame of mind, just as you are today; and it will believe itself to be the original you.”
“And I…”
“…will be free to explore your new life along another time line.”
Allmen considered this.
“What proof do I have that this isn’t a scam? I mean, it could just be that you take my money, hypnotize me or erase my memory and then send me on my way…”
“We guarantee what we do here, Mr. Allmen. I assure you that everything we say we can, we will. Over the next few weeks we will work with you to acclimate you to the process, we will gather as much data as we can on the specific point in your past you wish to correct, and then, prior to you actually being ed to carry out your objective, we will allow to experience the past first hand – a test run, so to speak, which will be documented and provide you with all the proof you need.”
“Why all the fuss, why can’t we do it right now?”
“We pride ourselves on our thoroughness and our accuracy. In the six years we have been in operation our safety record has only been marred once. The transition can be jarring and we need to assure our clients and ourselves that the margin for error is absolutely zero. We also need to the time and data so we can more precisely the time stream that is most receptive to the change you want to effect.”
“What happened the one time?”
Hartnett’s face clouded, his brow wrinkled and he exhaled.
“What we are dealing with is very sensitive, Mr. Allmen. We take great pains to insure that we do not misuse the power we have been able to harness…. But we are also dealing with emotions and human frailty. During the first year of operation we had… an incident. It was an error in judgment on our part; we missed something in the screening process, a certain resolve that is required to be present in the personality profiles of our clients. This particular individual made the transfer and then failed to deliver on their end. The result was a fatal temporal resonance loop.”
“A temporal resonance loop?”
Hartnett sighed again, not because he felt Allmen was ignorant, but obviously the event was something he wasn’t comfortable discussing. Allmen could see that the doctor found the subject distasteful.
“Yes. A temporal resonance was created wherein events both personal and global began, slowly at first, but then with more rapidity, to double up on themselves. Then they tripled, and quadrupled, and so forth. The entire time line became unstable. It eventually destroyed itself and a number of innocent time lines on either side of it as well. In all, six time lines were wiped out as a result.”
Allmen sat in stunned silence.
“You mean that you…”
“Not we, Mr. Allmen. The individual in question was the one responsible. Half a dozens worlds were erased in a heartbeat because of one person’s unwillingness to do what is required.”
“So how do you plan on account for the age difference? I mean, I want to go back over twenty-five years. I don’t look anything like I did then. How is that supposed to work?”
“Much the same way it will work on this time line. The you that will arrive in 1986, will be the you of 1986. This is another reason for the extensive battery of tests and examinations you will undergo in the next 12 to 14 days. You have no doubt heard about cellular rejuvenation or the seven year cycle? Basically every seven years all the hydrogen atoms in the human body are replaced, mentally, physically, emotionally, you are a different person. We have been able to reverse the process; we take your genetic and cellular make-up and rewind it. It was one of the earliest problems we had to solve when dealing with alternate time lines. Hence the ED protocol was instated.”
“ED?”
“Exact Duplicate. The transition from this Universe to another requires it; otherwise your physical form would suffer a catastrophic nucleic rejection. This is the reason for the limited time window, after five ours, your body would literally disintegrate in a matter of minutes. Each time line has a specific resonance, they ‘vibrate’ at different frequencies.
This is the reason why they are not visible to the naked eye, Mr. Allmen. We will determine which time line is most conducive to the change you wish to make and then we can attune our ED to that universes’ resonance. In order to fit into the resonance frequency, you will be cloned. It is this clone - which is you at the exact cellular age at the exact moment you wish to change - and into which we will transfer your self, your consciousness.”
“You can clone my consciousness?”
“Essentially, yes. We have the ability to digitize your thoughts and mental state. This will be transferred into the attuned clone, allowing you to remain in the new time line indefinitely.”
“I’ll retain my memory of this time line?”
“To an extant, yes. Your memory of this time line, the actions that lead you to this point, will rapidly recede in your mind and be replaced by others as you begin to accumulate new experiences in this new life you have created. You will be given a powerful memory inhibitor that will remove your memory of Hindsight and the temporal transfer. What we offer you is a one-time opportunity to change what you feel is the major turning point in your life.
There is no return once you make the leap.”
Hartnett smiled again.
“We cannot provide refunds, Mr. Allmen. This is an all or nothing proposition.”
“So,” Allmen started slowly. “This extended process is to determine my mental, emotional and physical make-up so that you can create a duplicate, transfer my consciousness and to find out if I have that exact potential that is required for me to replace my self.”
“Correct. If we feel that there is any inkling before we proceed, if there is any doubt whatsoever, your petition will be rejected out of hand and you will never again be able to use the services we provide. And if, by some happenstance, you manage to make it through the screening process, undergo the transfer procedure and still balk once you have made the transition…. We have an answer for that as well.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“You will be immediately eliminated of course. A highly trained team would be sent in, they would zero in on you within several minutes and they will kill you. The temporal resonance would be created by the duality of you existing alongside the you of that time line. That is something we cannot, that we will not allow to happen.”
Allmen pursed his lips.
“Kill or be killed, right?”
Hartnett looked over the rim of his glasses.
“Can you do what is required of you, Mr. Allmen?”
Allmen looked up, straight into Hartnett’s eyes.
“Yes. Yes I can.”
'''*
One week ago.
In the last twelve days, Allmen had undergone more physical and mental evaluations then he had ever thought possible. He had been poked, prodded, tested and scanned more times than he cared to remember.
He felt beat up and bruised, worn out. A headache trobbing near the front of his mind.
“How are we doing this morning, Mr. Allmen?”
Hartnett walked into the office and moved around behind his desk. Allmen had been sitting here for no more than five minutes. You had to give the good doctor points for being prompt. Not once since he had met the man had been late for a meeting or scheduled appointment.
“Good news,” Harnett continued. “It looks as though you are a prime candidate. You have passed all of your pre-screening tests with flying colors. You are physically, mentally and emotionally stable. We can go ahead with the procedure, that is, if you are still set on it.”
Allmen looked at him.
“Well, I didn’t subject myself to all of this just to turn around now…”
“Good, good.”
Allmen looked out the large picture window and then back to Hartnett who was still jotting on his clipboard.
“Why is this the prime time line? How can you be sure that no other time line is the prime one?”
Hartnett smiled but continued to make several scratches with the pen before answering.
“Because we have the ability to make it so.”
Allmen stared.
“Subconsciously we are all aware of our time stream, Mr. Allmen. So much so in fact that we strive very hard to maintain our time stream; we fight tooth and nail to prevent anything from altering it.”
“But, we can’t help but alter it, can we? There are too many variables. Too many instances in a day that affect us; they pull us this way or push us that way.”
“As I said Mr. Allmen, we are all subconsciously aware of our time stream and we are very adept at “keeping things on track”. We bring about change in our lives because that is what we want, consciously or no. Self-destructive behavior, good people doing bad things, affairs, petty theft, going left when you should go right, taking an alternate road home from work; these are all examples of the human mind keeping you, your self in your particular time stream. You are where you are because you will it to be so.”
“So… what? We’re all precognitive?”
“In a sense. Intuition is a very powerful thing.”
The man paused, looking intently at him.
“Why are you here, Mr. Allmen?”
“Haven’t I already answered this question?”
Hartnett continued to stare at him.
“I wanted to see if it was real.”
“Curiosity is a reason, yes, but not the why.”
Allmen swallowed.
“I’m sure you’ll… The thing is… a long time ago…”
“You made a mistake.”
Allmen looked up sharply.
“We are all frail things, Mr. Allmen. We’re born to fail. That’s why we keep moving forward. If we didn’t fail, we’d just be standing still. Inanimate statues watching the heavens wheel by. Our lives would seem but a single intake of breath, and then exhaled into nothingness.”
“Your literature contains some very… uh, radical… ideas. What you ask of clients is… um… is it necessary?”
“One object cannot exist in the same space as another, Mr. Allmen, that’s a law of nature we cannot bend or break.”
Allmen swallowed and wished his headache would clear up.
“We ask a lot of our clients, Mr. Allmen. In order for you to effect the change you want to bring about in your life, we ask you to perform an act that we as humans are all capable of, as the history of war and violence on this planet has proved time and time again. But we have been conditioned by society to abhor the murder of one human being by another. The killing of another person is hard enough, but what kind of resolve does it take to kill your other self? Because, even though it is another time line, it is still you. Why should we not be subject to the same standard?
When the chrono-transfer technology Dr. Nikoliaov discovered was perfected, it required additional technology to help zero in on exact points on the myriad of time lines we are able to access. We call it temporal windowing, or to be plainer, we can spy on the events of a time line from a safe distance. It’s a little like watching television actually.
We carefully monitored them and after observing that the Dr. Nikoliaovs of each one of these alternate time lines had the potential of making the same discovery… a decision was made. Dr. Nikoliaov ordered the mandate himself to be exact, and our experts carried it out. As they continue to do as each new time line is discovered.”
“They keep popping up?”
“Oh, yes. There are infinite possibilities, Mr. Allmen. And there are infinite time lines. We keep up with them as best we can. Most of your fee will go to that end; to protect the consistency of this time line.”
“But I don’t follow you… what mandate did…”
“He ordered all of his other selves to be destroyed obviously.”
Allmen’s mouth popped open with surprise.
“Otherwise, the same technology would no doubt be discovered on another line and another company in this other time line would eventually send someone, not unlike you for example, to this time line, and irrevocably change it.”
“No, no… I get that. But, has he had to kill himself hundreds of thousands of times?”
“Certainly not! He was far to busy to engage in such an endless task. We have special teams that perform that necessary duty; the very same teams that are sent to correct anomalies and those few aberrant retractors. No, the original Dr. Nikoliaov passed away two years ago. But we must continue to scan the time streams for his other selves; otherwise it could be catastrophic for us.”
Hartnett smiled that prickish smile of his.
“So…” Allmen asked after a moment. “What now?”
“We have just a few more details to take care of here, a last few forms to sign, etc. And then we can proceed with the next phase, your temporal visit as it were.”
“How many times have you had to send in your special teams to ‘clean up’?”
Hartnett continued to smile, but Allmen saw his eyes go hard.
“We are very up front with our clients and I’m glad you asked this particular question, Mr. Allmen. It proves that you are shedding the last of your misgivings. One of the biggest red flags for us during the screening process is a lack of questions, especially about other time transfers.”
Allmen managed a weak smile, his head was still pounding.
“This is why we must be clear with one another. What we ask, what is required and an absolute necessity of what we do here is that you eliminate your other self. We will provide you with the place and the time and the opportunity, but ultimately, it rests in your hands to fulfill your desire.
Up to this point in your life, you have been engaged in the self same behavior we ask you to perform in the alternate time line, albeit on a much less traumatic scale. You make decisions; you make choices and your change your life. This is simply the same thing. The only difference is that in order to achieve this particular change in your life, you must kill in order to bring it about.”
“Why can’t you people remove this other self? Why must I…”
Hartnett cleared his throat.
“You just told me that you have special teams that…”
“Yes, yes we do, Mr. Allmen. But they are not murderers.”
“But I will be.”
“You will not even remember it.”
Allmen looked up.
“Just as your duplicate self in this time line will have no memory of Hindsight and your decision, after the window of opportunity closes and you have accomplished your task, you too will lose your memory of this other time, you will not remember myself or Hindsight or that temporal travel exists.”
Hartnett leaned toward him.
“We work very hard to ensure the safety of our technology and the safety of the people who purchase our services. We are not children, Mr. Allmen. We have spent hundreds and hundreds of man hours, uncounted amounts of capital and dozens of years perfecting this process. And, you are not the first client we have ever serviced.”
'''*
Two minutes ago.
Allmen looked at Hartnett, realization dawning as the memory, the reality of being back there, of seeing her flooded into his mind.
“Welcome back, Mr. Allmen.”
Allmen stood up quickly. His vision swam. He had to sit down.
Hartnett pressed a button on his desk phone.
“Michelle, send Ms. Williams up to my office please.”
Allmen felt as though he was going to throw up. Nausea bubbled up his throat.
“Just breathe, Mr. Allmen, this feeling will pass shortly. You are just getting your equilibrium back; your body is re-adjusting to this time line’s resonance.”
The nausea was gone and the room had stopped spinning. His vision was clear.
“This is real, isn’t it? I mean… you can do what you say you do…”
“It’s amazing how that is invariably the reaction I hear,” Hartnett chuckled.
After another half hour, Allmen was led to another examination room and Hartnett began going over the details.
“We have isolated a time line that will provide you with the exact moment you have specified. We have already prepped your ED’s and with your permission we can release this world line’s clone and begin the prep procedure to begin the transfer. If you like, we can have you re-enter the Conduit, say… two hours from now?”
“That sounds fine,” Allmen said. “So, how do I…?”
“Complete your end of the bargain?” Hartnett smiled.
“Uh, yeah…”
“We leave this part to the final phase because we do not want it to be something a client will dwell on too long. Its not that we are pushing you to do something quickly, we certainly do not want you to do anything that goes against your principles or nature. If you have doubts or reservations, you will have one last chance to back down and we will refund your investment, minus a 30% expense fee. But the fact that you have undergone our extensive entrance process, and are aware of what needs to be done, we simply want to facilitate your process as quickly as possible. If you feel that we are rushing…”
“No, no, not at all.”
“Fine. Then let us proceed. We are in the final stages of your 1986 ED prep and just need to go over the details of what will happen once you are ed into the time line.”
Hartnett walked him over to a stainless steel workbench where another cute assistant stood. She leaned over, picked a small plastic disc and held it out to him in her palm.
“This is the TMED – the Total Matter Eradication Disc. This is what you will use to remove your other self.”
“Total Matter Eradication?”
“Yes, basically it generates a burst of intense heat energy in a tight area, enough to turn one human-sized object into ash in under three seconds.”
Hartnett smiled, but it was a grim one. Any trace of prickishness was absent.
“Crude perhaps, but as I said necessary. In early temporal transfers we attempted another of other methods, but they resulted in significant clean-up and lead to complications for our clients. The TMED reduces the chance duality resonance cascade to less than zero.”
“What about them? Do they feel it?”
“It will be as though they were ground zero during a nuclear blast. They will not have time of the presence of mind to comprehend what is happening. The temporal windowing we have performed on the time line you wish to enter has allowed us to isolate the exact moment when you must use the TMED and make the transfer.”
“And that would be?”
“The information that we have been able to gather on the exact time you wish to enter – Sunday August 17th, 1986 12:35am – provides us with the following details – at exactly 12:35am, you are alone in the apartment you share with two roommates…”
“Carter and Shawn…”
Correct. Carter Wilson and Shawn Fitzgerald, both are still out of town; classes won’t begin for another two weeks. You are alone in the apartment and have just entered into the restroom to take a shower. It is at this moment you will be able to take advantage of. The water from the shower will help to erase the residue left behind by the heat flash of the TMED. You simply need to walk into the bathroom, pull back the shower curtain and slap the TMED onto the shoulder of your other self. Once contact has been made, the TMED will activate and your other self will be eliminated. As long as you take a step back from the flash you will suffer no ill effects, obviously standing too close would not be a good thing, so remember, slap it on, and step back.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. As I said, with the shower running, the water will quickly wash away any residue and then you will be alone to step into the shoes of your former self.”
“Seems simple enough.”
Hartnett smiled.
“Then let us begin.”
'''*
Sunday August 17th, 1986 12:36am.
Is it raining?
The sound is the first thing he is aware of after the bright light of the Conduit fades.
No… it’s too… something else… it isn’t rain… It’s too arrhythmic…
It’s a shower; it’s the sound of water spitting out in starts and stops.
But it’s amplified and painful; too slow, too loud; he can hear the individual streams as they squeeze through the showerhead and their impact as they strike the tiled wall, the plastic curtain, and flesh.
And then the sound springs forward and back suddenly, doubling and then rebounding back to normalcy.
He puts a hand out to steady himself.
He’s standing in front of the bathroom door.
And with a swift, dizzying sensation it’s not just the sound that is rebounding back on itself, snapping into clarity. His mind comes fully awake and he knows where he is.
He knows when he is.
A five minute window; and the clock’s ticking.
The surreal giddiness of being back here, of being in this same spot, in the same apartment he had lived in when he was twenty-three is surreal. It’s not exactly as he remembered, but it is the place. He knows that it is. It feels right and his memory of what it was and what it is crystallizes into be-here-now reality.
The apartment has five rooms – two bedrooms, a living room and kitchen/dining room, and the bathroom. He knows how many steps it is down the hall to the kitchen. He knows the refrigerator has a half jug of milk, some leftover hamburger helper and four bottles of Miller.
His bedroom, the one he shares with Carter Wilson (who is uptown visiting his girl) is back behind him, ten feet on the left side of the hallway. His bed is by the window and there’s a night stand and a dresser and a closet. A familiar annoyance creeps up on him – Carter’s laundry seeping out of the closet. Roommates.
Shawn’s bedroom is on the right, the one with the Depeche Mode poster canted at an angle.
Shawn’s spending the night with a “friend”. He remembers that in this now, in two days time, Shawn will declare he is out, to no one’s surprise but his own. He’s just remembered something that has yet to happen. The sense of unreality sweeps over him. He remembers the sequence of events.
He shivers.
He looks at the bathroom door. He knows the towels that are hanging from the rack are mismatched, a hodgepodge of colors, weaves and sizes belonging to all three roommates. He can hear himself moving in there; the shower’s running hot, the way he’s always taken them.
He looks down at the TMED in his palm, feeling the cool ceramic of the small quarter-sized disc. That something so small can do so much damage… They said it will be quick and painless. His hand reaches out and turns the knob, the door opens quietly.
The room is steam-filled, but he can see himself behind the opaque shower curtain.
He strides forward, jerks aside the curtain and his other self turns, frightened, confused.
They look into one another’s eyes.
Time is suspended.
“You are not who I am supposed to be,” Allmen whispers.
Time moves forward.
|
